How Am I Feeling?

Man a lot of stuff has happened over the course of 3 weeks. So I will begin by explaining what all went down like Anne Boleyn did in the music SIX about Henry the 8th. 

So first of all, a lot of news about people who I thought were good people turned out to be terrible individuals. These being some game devs and VAs. These honestly broke my heart and I will not lie, my mental health has been on a massive decline. I will explain that in the next part of this post. 

So next like I said is my headspace. I am not going to lie to everyone when I say my skies are a bit too cloudy to the point I have been losing weight, but not in the healthy sense. Stress and Anxiety have been at all time high and I have this fear of being just abandoned fully. I have to reach out a lot of the times just to talk to people. I want to have a network of trust but with how the world has been, I feel I can't even trust myself with things. 

The fact that the world is pretty much leaning towards a massive World War is just hurting me mentally even more. I know for a fact I can't be drafted due to my head and mind just not being qualified for work in the armed forces, but the problem is that war never changes. No one wins. Everyone loses. The economy in my country is just not good. America is not a First World Country... we are nothing more than North Korea and Russia. Third World Countries, just with a Gucci Belt. I am a Cis White Male who is Asexual Aromantic. I have Autism, ADHD, ODD, OCD, Axis Mood Disorder, Clinically Diagnosed Depression and Severe Anxiety. 

Another factor in why I haven't been producing things hardly is I have been seeing bad things consecutively happen to friends and family. Medical issues in my IRL family, people I care for getting their accounts compromised or hate raids and negative moments, bot accounts spamming the net and making it feel unbearable, corporate giants being heartless and not listening to the people. And as well...  my own self not being as fast as I used to be. I legit don't know what has caused me to feel so slow as of late. 

Now... I do have a therapist I see when she has available times, but this whole situation with the world has just had me feeling a bit on edge. People are dying, rights are being stripped away as we speak, trusts are being broken, old drama that caused a riff between people resurfaces and it makes the person experience an emotional relapse, my own family being constantly on edge of this and just.... I have had enough of it. I want things to get better, but I am only one person and it makes me feel disheartened when my goal is just not able to be heard or seen. I want to help even just one person be able to smile through my content. That is all I want. People to find my space and feel comfortable. But the world being on fire, it makes me even wonder why in the first place we as humans do stupid shit..

My final grievance I need to say is this. Popularity is just a way to make yourself feel good for only a minute. In the words of Lady Ningguang, The Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing: "Even if an antique is pricessless, the happiness it brings lasts only for the moment you obtain it." And this is true. We should create and work on stuff not because we want to be popular or famous or become rich or remembered, but rather because it makes us smile. I know many people scream that "I am not getting the recognition now but I will eventually!" And yes, you're numbers will go up. Hell, I've been streaming for 3 years and just now only have around 100 followers on Twitch. But to me, I don't care about numbers. I care only about the progress I have made as a person. 

I am so sorry that this post is not a really happy, upbeat, silly one, but hopefuls, you all gotta understand, even though my last name means Blue Skies, sometimes it needs to rain to see the sun again. Thank you for reading and remember to try to not lose hope and remember that blue skies are waiting.